Friday, April 20, 2018

Ranking every Premier League manager on how much fun they’d be on a night out

Dream Team FC
Ranking every Premier League manager on how much fun they’d be on a night out

Being a Premier League manager is a stressful job.

But away from the media spotlight, these demi-gods of the dugout are free to let their hair down — that’s just an expression of course, in reality about third of them waved goodbye to their barnet many years ago.

Time to rank them (worst to best) on their value once Sesh Fabregas comes calling…

20 Jose Mourinho

Would have been a decent night out in 2004Getty Images - Getty

The so-called ‘Special One’ sucks up fun like a cordless Dyson.

It takes about 45 minutes to find a bar he doesn’t think is ‘beneath him’ and then he just sits in the corner sipping his wine and blabbering about how tika-taka is a fraudulent tactic.

A hit with the older ladies but he calls it a night by 9:15pm.

Gets the bus home, obviously.

19 Roy Hodgson

Would have been a decent night out in 1984Getty Images - Getty

Falls asleep in his armchair after three cans of John Smith’s — doesn’t make it out.

Still better value than Mourinho.

18 David Moyes

Smiling through the painGetty - Contributor

All my life I have been led to believe the Scots are party-starters.

Moyseh is living proof that’s not true..

He allows a single tear to drop into his whisky on the stoke of midnight and doesn’t even flinch when the DJ drops The Proclaimers.

17 Javi Gracia

Not going to lie, couldn’t pick him out of a line-upREUTERS

Not going to lie, I was expecting Marco Silva to turn up.

16 Arsene Wenger

Plenty of free time for the sesh now, eh?EPA

Stories for days but it isn’t long before he starts repeating himself.

His idea of pres is a five-course meal at a Michelin star restaurant which is nice until the waiter tells me what a good grandson I am.

Petrified of Snapchat filters.

He talks to the Addison Lee driver about the dangers of technology for 25 minutes and then gets out at some traffic lights without paying.

Can’t hate him though — he’s earned the right to do whatever the f**k he wants.

15 Mark Hughes

When you somehow manage to get two clubs relegated in one seasonGetty - Contributor

Belts out a genuinely haunting version of ‘Delilah’ at the karaoke bar.

A quality player, he has good stories and is happy to bellow them in my ear as we queue for the club.

But the nostalgia only makes him realise how harsh the sands of time have been on him in recent years — refuses to pay the £2 to check in his coat and leaves without saying goodbye.

14 Rafael Benitez

Look at that face!Getty - Contributor

Patatas bravas for pres as we stand around the island in his kitchen.

He plans the whole night in fine detail — bowling, pub, guest list and all that.

But nothing kills the atmos like organised fun.

13 Sam Allardyce

Make sure you eat a big lunch before this oneReuters

Pints of wine, pints of jagerbomb, pints of Buckfast, everything in pints.

Big Sam will gobble down a larger with fag butts in it to get a giggle out of a passing stranger.

A good laugh for the most part, but it goes downhill quick once we hit the club.

He’s one of those blokes who calls a girl ‘frigid’ if they pass up his generous offer of a thrust from behind to R. Kelly’s ‘Bump n’ Grind’.

12 Pep Guardiola

The enigmaAP:Associated Press

Don’t get me wrong, he’s an interesting bloke, but his intensity makes me uneasy.

We stop off at Tennessee Fried Chicken on the way into town and he starts putting the condiments out in formation on the table.

I catch him in the kitchen at the afters, mumbling about overlaps in the final third to some poor bloke who hasn’t watched a game of football in his life.

11 Darren Moore

Handy in a scrap as wellREUTERS

Sound bloke.

Extra credit simply for not being being Alan Pardew.

10 Claude Puel

When you miss happy hour by three minutes and the barman is a stickler for the rulesGetty - Contributor

A class act from start to finish.

Perhaps a touch too serious.

Looking through his phone in the morning and all his photos are profile pic worthy, no rotters for the WhatsApp group, shame.

9 Mauricio Pochettino

He’s magic, don’t you know?Getty Images - Getty

Has a touch of the Peps about him but it’s considerably easier to steer him away from boring football chat.

A surprisingly good dancer, the bouncers immediately take his side when some pillock squares up to him at the bar.

Drinks a glass of water in between each bottle of San Miguel, which, while sensible, is f**king weird.

8 Chris Hughton

He works the salt and pepper lookGetty Images - Getty

Downs ten pints and still phones for a taxi without slurring a word — world-class.

A bit too good of a bloke if anything.

Laying fully-clothed on my bed on top of the covers at 3am, room spinning and pizza burning in the oven, I feel a bit inferior.

Maybe a text to the ex will cheer me up?

7 Antonio Conte

Takes an hour to sort his hair because, well, it’s not hisGetty - Contributor

Never had wine like it.

Absolutely steaming and only a 3/10 hangover.

Stuff of miracles.

6 Paul Lambert

Surprisingly good night out this oneGetty - Contributor

A dark horse.

His dry wit grates on you at pres but by the time you’re upstairs at Infernos he’s turned into the funniest bloke in the world.

Knows every ‘The Office’ quote and the optimum time to deploy it.

5 David Wagner

Steins. Steins.Getty - Contributor

Wags just makes you feel good about yourself.

I must have been talking some right rubbish in the kebab shop but he still laughed at every joke as if I were Will Ferrell.

Another one who can put away the beers.

4 Sean Dyche

The rave scene was huge for himAFP or licensors

“Eat this worm.”

“F**k off.”

“Go on, eat it!”

“Alright, give it ‘ere.”

3 Eddie Howe

The only one who still gets his ID checkedGetty Images - Getty

At the risk of flirting with ageism, it’s nice to spend the night with someone who doesn’t type out texts with their index finger.

He leads me to a small capacity club with decent music and Shazams all the belters so I can look them up on Spotify in the morning.

One of those faces you can’t help but yell “I really love you, you know? You’re a diamond bloke, you really are,” at freely and he doesn’t make you feel embarrassed about it.

2 Carlos Carvalhal

So many metaphorsGetty - Contributor

I pay £27.50 for a final release ticket only to spend the whole night in the smoking area listening to Carlos chat s**t.

And I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

The charismatic f**ker even gives me his jacket on the walk home.

1 Jurgen Klopp

HeroGetty - Contributor

Pretty much the same as the David Wagner night but better.

His deafening laughter is infectious and his natural charm procures us free drinks at two separate establishments.

Of course he knows the DJ…

You never seen someone vapourise a hangover like Jurgen.

You wake up in his spare room to the smell of bacon and when to stagger into the front room he turns off the big light and presses play on Shawshank Redemption.

He makes you want to do it all over again.

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